Imagine this….Your name is Bayonetta, you’re the only remaining Umbra Witch left alive (a darkness worshipping clan)… and you’ve just been awoken from a 500 year nap suffering from amnesia and a strange voice in your head…THERE WILL BE MURDERS! Luckily one thing Bayonetta does remember is that her arch enemies are Lumen Sages (aka angels) who worship the light, and are the perfect remedy for her anger issues. The story isn’t really one of the games strongest points but there is enough to keep you interested and it’s in action that Bayonetta excels.

Bayonetta’s unique style of angel slaying consists of having guns on both her hands AND her feet…pistol high heels for when two hands just won’t do. She is also equipped with armor like hair called the wicked weave. Not only can she use her locks to cover her modesty, but also to unleash giant stiletto kicks or punches. Even better, she can use what are called Weave Attacks to summon demonic entities that will see off huge enemies via Quick time events, these also increases your multiplier for the amount of halos you acquire at the end of the battle, the use of which I will talk about later.

"I was taking a nap"

Bayonetta’s ‘Witch’ time works brilliantly and rewards you for timing a successful dodge move with slowing down your enemies for a short period, difficult at first but starts to become second nature. Couple this with the amount of moves you learn along the way, allowing you to string combos together, ensure it all stays fresh and fun as set upon the beings from the holy light

Simple controls allow you to pull off fluid combos with ease with the results looking awesome and can’t help but make you look uber skillful to people watching you play.

The bosses in Bayonetta are huge with most of them filling the screen but it’s not just the sheer size that’s impressive – it’s the way they have to be killed. One of the later monster battles takes place in the ocean. Bayonetta is surfing around on a piece of airplane debris as a giant beast fires meteors at our heroine. To take him out you have to wear it down by pummeling its legs then when you summon the Weave monster (which in this instance is a big spider) you have to steer the watery foe into your Weave’s mouth.

"Are you talking to me?"

Vertical levels where you’re running up a building, or spinning uncontrollably on a rock as you fight are also another excellent feature. When the moon is full Bayonetta has the ability to do this which allows her to traverse sections of a level, they’re as wonderfully executed as they are nauseating.

Character progression is done by collecting halos (which look eerily like a certain blue hedgehog’s collectables) and visiting a bar called the gates of hell to spend your hard earned halos on new moves, weapons and with later inclusions being the ability to transform into animals.

Even though it’s the silky smooth execution of Bayonetta’s ass-kicking combos that will keep you playing, it has to be said she is very likeable as a main character too. She’s sexy, witty and certain to come out on top.

What Bayonetta achieves is epic in scale and delivery. Everything is vast…bosses and finishing moves are paramount in Bayonetta and it’s all stitched together with a huge variety of ways to BRING THE PAIN.

At 17 chapters in length, Bayonetta is not the longest game (I finished in just over 9hrs on normal). It has plenty of replay value with non-stop jaw-dropping action, collectables and hidden missions; it really does deserve all the praise surrounding it.

Like these?

God of War

Devil May Cry

Ninja Gaiden

Then strap on your pistol heels…GAME ON!!!


Every gamer has one…whether it was your first console, video games that you look back on fondly or just one game-shaped-catalyst that says…this is for me…. this is my gaming story.

I can’t remember the exact age I was when I started playing videogames but of all the people, it was my Gran that introduced me to it…bet you didn’t see that one coming. She would pick me up from school and I’d stay with her for about an hour until my Dad finished work. One day, bored watching TV, my Gran gave me this strange grey box (I now know it to be a cheap imitation of space invaders). She said, “This was your uncles and it used to keep him quiet”; only now writing this do I get what she was saying…and it did. My Dad saw what I had acquired on the drive home and said he had something in the attic that I might like and would keep me quiet…I now see a pattern. He brought down a box, opened it up & got out a Spectrum ZX & an Atari 2600.

I would patiently wait, hypnotized by the flashing lines of the ZX loading screen….and then…ERROR…it would take 5 attempts to boot up which meant my borrowed bed time was running out. When it did work, I loved it, and the games that I remember were Jet Set Willy, all the Dizzy games and Ghostbusters but I know there are countless others that I can’t.

The Atari 2600, with its wooden-furniture-style finish was a breath of fresh air compared to the ZX. In went the cartridge and you were off. Some of the games that “KEPT ME QUIET” were; Pitfall (with its run, jump the log, run, jump the croc, run…you get the idea), Mario Bros (which was nothing like the Mario of today), Missile Command and Bomber Jack. Then there was the legendary Pacman…need I say more? All that being said I still strangely preferred playing all the games on the ZX.

My first game console (which was actually mine and not a dusty antique from my parent’s attic) was a Sega Master System. I was restricted to times when no one was using the TV but I sprung the Dragon’s Trap with Wonderboy, traveled to the Miracle World with Alex Kidd, and saved the hostages with Choplifter. However, my Gran let her hostages down by crashing chopper.

Christmas 1991, I remember opening a big box to reveal a Sega Megadrive complete with Sonic the Hedgehog bundle, setting it up then whizzing through the first level without doing much. After Christmas I was also given the use of a small portable TV. I wasn’t allowed it in my room, so it lived on the dining room table…but it was progress! The Megadrive era had begun…I was casting my first summons with Golden Axe, cleaning up the Streets of Rage, taking to the skies in Desert Strike, the seas with Ecco and being welcomed to my doom in Altered Beast….I really could go on forever about the quality of the Megadrive.

September 1995, I remember begging my parents to buy me a Sega Saturn for Christmas (I was loyal to the Sega and I really, really wanted that game called bug…I’ve still never played it) but at it’s £499 price tag decided that it was way too expensive and I’d have to settle for Sony’s first venture into the gaming world….The Playstation…and what a venture it was. I never looked back after playing the demo for Wipeout. Then Ridge Racer arrived, followed by Tekken, War Hawk, Destruction Derby, Discworld and Crash Bandicoot. Sony’s first year was special.

Then came my defining gaming moment…November 17th 1997…I was absent from school ill, I bugged my dad to take me to pick up my pre ordered copy of Final Fantasy VII…it took over my life. I would play before school, after school, at weekends, it seemed to take forever to complete but I enjoyed every second (except the boss Gi Nattak in Cosmo canyon which killed me over and over till I was told I could throw a Phoenix down at him to kill him in one move ha!). The ability to summon monsters and their increasingly impressive cut scenes with was one of the first things that really jumped out at me…I couldn’t wait to use each one for the first time. Then came the death of Aeris…which I must say didn’t make me cry (honest) I was overcome with anger towards Sephiroth, this ficticious, pixelated villain made it feel somehow personal and I wanted revenge. Games were meant to be fun, characters weren’t meant to die and these are just some of the reasons this one game had such an effect on me. FF7 was unlike anything I had ever played before, the story, graphics, character evolution, game mechanics, everything was just so new…it was the Ferrari, the Pete Sampras, the Eric Cantona of the gaming world and with it I found my love for role playing games. I would then buy every single final fantasy game from launch, lose myself in each world until I finished them then buy the official guides to find all the little secrets. My love for FF led me to hunt down other RPG’s and one I remember looking forward to was, the little known Legend of Dragoon. Similar in style to FF7, it came out in January 2001 and I remember reading a review in EDGE magazine which gave it 4/10, I’ve never taken their reviews seriously since as I hold it in high regard up there with FF7, Chrono Cross and Metal Gear Solid….Snake, SNAAAAAAKKKKEEE!…To be continued….


It’s alive!!!!

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